Wailing to Heaven on High, by Krazy "Kyle" Lapointe (2024)

1.

2.

We’re going back, back to the beginningMy parents taught me how to loveEven though they couldn’t love each otherMy twin who didn’t make it from the wombTaught me how to become a better brotherMy mother taught me to readMy teachers taught me to spellA lack of God taught me believing in myselfBut Dr. Seuss, he taught me to dreamI traded any chance of picket fences for a couple of beansI was done before I knewWhat this flower inside me was which grewI tended it of the weedsAs that flower grew to mazes filled with childhood fantasiesAnd ICouldn’t let it die, I couldn’t let itCouldn’t let it die or I’d regret itI’d scribble on the napkins at the restaurantBefore I got a guitar, I wrote fifty songsImagined being up on stage, spewing out my thoughtsAnd hearing someone else out there sing alongBut I felt the world’s awful shadeI realized I was a weedPeople may say I had a choice to makeBut there was never a choice to meI couldn’t let it die, I couldn’t let itI couldn’t let it die or I’d regret itWe’re going back, back to the beginningSo now I growInto what? Only God could know

3.

From the crowd a deafening silence roaredDefenestrating God from the house of the LordAll for a boy of just twelve onstageOut of tune, out of rhymeIn his first time deciding to playChim-chimney on Christmas DayThe church had a book room that smelt like a coffinAnd I’d hardly call their refreshments ‘poppin’But there was something cool in being thereSurrounded by neighbours lost or losing all of their hairBut still holding tight to something trueIt was the hymns you know that spoke to meMore than the godliness of themThe old smell of parchment made more senseThan the words it held withinAnd oh the bells, the bells, those thrashing bellsThey shook me in my pewNot for God’s words but for my father’s truthHalf the years I’ve spent now is allThose angels gave me until they calledI was standing high upon the roofWhen she took my hand and whispered,“Forward, child, towards your museYou best not fall blessed by your father’s truth”Half the years I’ve taken’s all I hadWhen I finally had the talk with DadHe told me he was an atheistWhen it came to God, he could take or leave the lot of itI wrestled with my father’s truthIt was the hymns you know that spoke to meMore than the godliness of themThe old smell of parchment made more senseThan the words it held withinAnd oh the bells, the bells, those yearning bellsThey shook me in my pewNot for God’s words but for my father’s truthI couldn’t fathom why a man would fake convictionI couldn’t fathom how a man could mouth the wordsTo books he never read, to stories never learnedLittle did I know one day that’s all I’d doLittle did I know that’s what we all doBaptized before I could consentI was bathed into the riverI was saved before I had done any wrongIt was a silence that roared when I finally listened for GodI’d dress up in my Sunday worstMy wrinkled American Eagle shirtWalk my way to service on my ownAnd I’d listen real hard cause they refused to use a microphoneSearching every word for what was trueIt was the hymns you know that spoke to meMore than the godliness of themThe old smell of parchment made more senseThan the words it held withinAnd oh the bells, the bells, those laughing bellsThey shook me in my pewNot for God’s words but for my father’s truth

4.

For as long as could be remembered, life was peaceful in the garden. The residents, who called themselves the Sowers, were a feisty band of 6–7-year-olds. They did 6- to 7-year-old things day after day. They played tag they said jinx and cooties and they just sort of fooled around all the time, as kids do. They argued sure, but never growing up they never really worried. They drank and bathed in the river and even sometimes stood on a huge cliff overlooking the river, and the vast and expansive desert beyond, a desert they dare not go. They had explored each and every little cranny of the garden, except one; a dark grove, covered in vines. They speculated at what secrets lay there, but they never entered. They figured tigers or monsters or even hybrid dinosaurs could live there. They usually didn’t even play near there. Well usually, but one day some of them were playing ball, and as playing ball goes, the ball just so happed to roll down the leafy and mossy steps into the grove. In most cases the ball would be forgotten, but the one boy who was destined to catch that ball was also destined to be the most curious and explorative and imaginative of all the Sower kids. He peeled back the vines and crept into the grove late at night when the other kids were sleeping soundly.And alas, there were no tigers or dinosaur hybrids but only a big, towering tree, the most massive tree the boy had ever seen. And hanging from that tree, just low enough to beckon the boy was a succulent apple. But it wasn’t just any apple. The boy didn’t have the proper words to describe it, but we would know it today to be a candy apple. Glazed in fudge and caramel, only then to be completely covered with sprinkles and different coloured marshmallows. It was the most gorgeous thing he’d seen in his long life as a forever child. His eyes were transfixed upon the fruit, and he had this weird feeling he’d never felt before inside him. I’ve had that feeling before the first time I listened to the band Slipknot. I had heard they were evil demon music, but for some reason deep down I couldn’t deny I liked it. I was reeled in by the only thing I could describe as the devil at the time. Well anyways back to the boy - his fingers took on a life of their own as they ascended to pick the apple from this bizarre tree, which bore no other fruit. With the self-control of a hungry child, he gobbled that bastard up. And when he was done gobbling, it was so tasty he even devoured the core, in one bite. And the next day he returned to the tree, but this time with his friends. This time there were three fruits hanging again, all perfectly within reach. They plucked them up and devoured them in seconds. The following day there were nine apples. Now you would think all the kids would be into eating dessert 24/7, but there was a small faction of the Sowers who were wary of the tree. They grew warier still when they noticed that the children who started eating the apples began growing taller. Not just that though, some of their voices deepened, and all of them started growing hair from all kinds of strange places. For the first time since the beginning of time, this created a rift in the garden between the children who would eat the fruit every day and the ones who refused. With time two tribes formed. There were the Forever Youngs who refused to eat the apples and continued to live out their blissful lives as sowers of the garden. And the other group called themselves the reapers and became very strange and distinct. They began building great structures, which they would soon replace with greater structures. they invented gods and rituals to go with them, with laws and rules they could never follow. They began fashioning clothes from the garden which they now excavated, and they even put their private parts inside of each other and sloppily mashed their faces together and then their bellies grew and more of them were born and over time they needed more and more of the garden for themselves. The Forever Youngs saw what was happening and panicked and on one fateful night they approached that tree with fire and attempted to burn it down to the ground. But the tree was well guarded. It was being worshipped, you see, and soon the Reapers descended upon the area and surrounded the Forever Youngs. They had bulging muscles and spears and the Forever Youngs didn’t stand a chance. They ended up back to the ravine with the raging river below. The river that led far away out of the garden into the lonely desert. The 6-year-olds rushed the adults but it was no use. Then a wave of the most jacked seven-year-olds followed but the adults were like super humans- they went bajoom and with quick swings caved their heads in and launched them into the air going ahhhhhhhhh It took only a moment for the small group of babes to be tossed into the river, screaming and crying those horrible awful screams of forever loss. The reapers laughed their way back to their camp and thought themselves big and strong and wise. But little did they realize with time that they had ingested a curse, as years down the line they felt their bodies go frail, wither and one day lay down to die. It was not God that banished man from the garden, but it was man itself, with dreams of once again finding that eternal childhood they had jettisoned into the river. They followed the river down down into the unknown. They followed it down down...

5.

LooooveGod gave Adam everythingThe pearly winters the early springThe fruit the sparkled in the morning dew But still Adam felt cruddy in his sterling groveSo God asked, “Buddy why so low? Don’t you know child, thou art blessed with eternal life?Be grateful to your Daddy in heaven on high With every need fulfilled, why do you cry?”“Well, I’d hate to defy but,I want love Let it do me in”And I heard there was an unholy tritone That David played from upon his throneBut God didn’t really care for music That wasn’t praising himOld good boy David just couldn’t resist To play the devils tune, it just spoke to himBut God ain’t into polyamory on the receiving endWhen God rolled over in post-coital blissHis poor lover David wept a song of sinAnd it went like this, it went“I want loveLet it do me in”Be careful of the words you sayBe careful every step you takeWhen the pimp leaves the stash with one of his lovesCan you blame them for shooting up?Euphoria, euphoria, a dirge so loudIt’s still playing in your head as you come back downI want loveLet it do me inNow that I’m deep enough to swimI ain’t scared now of anything

6.

I can’t stand this life I leadI don’t wanna talk about itlong days short nights Gosh I can’t afford a weekendsquishing pennies in my fingersHope they might turn to dollarsSomething bout this life I lead Has got me fantasizing bout a business tripSplurge all of my money on a business tripA business trip, a business tripLose all of your luggage on a business tripI can’t stand this life I leadI don’t wanna talk about itGarbage workers on my blockCrushing garbage get me jealousBegging boss for overtimeI’m biking by expensive houses This one looks just like a castleThis one looks just like my family’s If I saved for half my lifeI couldn’t hardly buy the lawn I don’t wanna live in squalor Better beg the bossman for that business tripGet his tax deducted on my business tripGet myself abducted on a business tripI can’t stand this life I leadI don’t wanna talk about itLong hours short fuseI can’t stand the pitter patterI spent 15 years in schoolAnd I still can’t afford McDonald’s Every second on the clockI pray to different gods for a..To Frederickton or MinnesotaOr to Bagotville or Oklahoma...Or Dorval, Ile-Bizard or LavalI don’t need me a planeJust send me away to..

7.

HeavenHeaven is love to meHeaven, oh HeavenLoneliness is Hell to meBut Heaven, oh HeavenTrue happiness,Isn't it really something?If I were to touch it,Would it be such a sin?If I were to truly touch itWell, I could never touch itIt would be too much of a sinBut Heaven

8.

I don’t know just what I’m doing hereIn this room I find myself inPeople are talk talk talking all around meI breathe out and I breathe inI don’t know what life possessed meI don’t know what I was beforeWas I from the depths of this lonesome core of this wretched EarthOr from up in the sky up in the sky..I don’t know which way it isTo the promised promised landAll these angels are all tempting meAnd offering me their handsI don’t know what to say nowNow that I lost my words in the back of my throatI guess I’ll live in silence now to keep the peace One day, one day I’ll be up in the sky I’ll be up in the skySurely there’s a great placeWhere apples fall from the tree into an awaiting handWhere the soft smell of sweetness fills me with completenessWhere the water pools at my feetI feel it I feel itWhere the breeze blows spring through my hairWhere the sun shines without a careWhere I feel love completelyAnd it overflows out from meBurning so brightlyThis light inside me helps me know I’m not yearningA realization comes up churning: One day I’ll feel love for myselfI know this to be true

9.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a mistakeI'm not like anyone else I knowWhen I'm asleep or even awakeI get to dreaming that I'm just a fakeI'm not like anyone elseI know I’m not like anyone elseOthers I know are big and quite wildI'm very small and quite tameMost of the time I'm weak and I'm mildDo you suppose that's a shame?Often I wonder if I'm a mistakeI'm not supposed to be scared, am I?Sometimes I cry and sometimes I shakeIsn't it true that the strong never break?I'm not like anyone else I knowI'm not like anyone elseI think you are just fine as you areI really must tell youI do like the person that you are becomingWhen you are sleepingWhen you are wakingYou are my friendIt's really trueI like youCrying or shaking or dreaming or breakingThere's no one mistaking itYou're my best friendI think you are just fine as you areI really must tell youI do like the person that you are becomingWhen you are sleepingWhen you are wakingYou're not a fakeYou're no mistakeYou are my friendSometimes I wonder if I'm a mistakeI'm not like anyone else I knowWhen I'm asleep or even awakeI get to dreaming that I'm just a fakeI'm not like anyone elseI know I’m not like anyone else

10.

Chim chimneyChim chim cherooSomething ‘bout this indigestionStewing around in my gutAll of life’s important questionsPrarie dog in out of my buttI tried to keep in all my worriesTo carry around wherever I went But in the stall I felt their furyDown that old bowl all of it wentFlushing it down to the riverFlushing my troubles awayAnd in walked the priest I could tell by his boots I hope he ain’t mad from the sound of my tootsHe said “Hey there Sony, today you’ve been cleansedLike John did to Jesus, your worries have fled”Flushing it all down the riverFlushing my troubles away

11.

At The cottageThe first time I ever kissed an animal Was at the cottage with my dadMy mom was in the sidelines gasping in horrorUntil she screamed when the frog jumped at her from out of my handThe first time I ever lit something on fireOr jumped headfirst into a murky lakeOr picked berries or caught crayfishOr canoed or tried to speak French My first times enjoying nature was back thenThey say, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”The me that’s here today would all but be for naughtSometimes when I’m in the city it feels like I’ve forgot about the cottageAbout the cottageThe first time I ever listened to a record It was Elton John’s greatest hitsMy parents weren’t much into music, but the cottage family were, yesI’d dance around to Crocodile Rock and Benny and the JetsThe only time ever I saw a ghostWas at the cottage one spooky nightA strange figure floated towards me from the windowI pinched myself but I couldn’t wake upSo I held my sisters tight They say, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”The me that’s here today would all but be for naughtSometimes when I’m in the city it feels like I’ve forgot about the cottageAbout the cottageSo, let’s go back down Let’s take a swimBlow a dandelion into the wind Let’s lose ourselves in who we were back thenAt the cottageWhere my life beganAt the cottage

12.

If I were a cat, would you give me a belly rubOr turn on the shower while I was in the tub?If I were a chicken, would you let me keep my eggs Or turn them to omelets? Please don’t make me begIf I were a spider, would you release me in the garden Or walk through my web without saying, “Pardon?”If I were a mosquito, would let me suck your blood Or kill me on sight with your sisters Ugg?And if I were meWould you treat me like the meInside me that you see?If I were a horse, would you ride me through the pasture Or turn me to glue when I can’t go no faster?If I were flower, would you pick me on sight Or blow at my seeds so they can take flight?If I were a steak knife, would you use me for steak Or to spread on your toast your veggie pate?If I were a canoe, would you take me down the streamOr sink me to the bottom where you can’t hear me scream?And if I were meWould you treat me like the meInside me that you seek?Because there are people and places and rocks and thingsAnd Mother Nature and the good she bringsAnd if we ourselves want to be foundWe gotta take a big look at this world aroundWe can all feel lost or feel misused Or feel like no one sees the real youBut if all these feelings are all we seeHow can we reach the truth beneathA big old oak or a raging riverWith everything we must considerHow much of it is our projectionOr things inside that were expecting If I were meThe toad asks, “If I were me?”And the guitar asks, “If I were me?”Would you treat me like the me inside me that you seek?Or would you treat me like the me I truly feel to be?If I were a tree, would you grow up to the airOr cut off my limbs and turn me into chairs?

13.

Oohh bap bapMormon ladies coming up to me while I play the guitarMormon ladies trying to save on a sunny day in Girouard parkThey say they’re not trying to convert meThey say they just like my musicBut then they ask me for my Facebook And introduce me to their friend named JesusMormon ladies looking bout eighteen they tell me that they got the answerWith youthful eyes and genuine smiles hidden under practiced banterThey tell me that they’re from UtahI can’t help but thing they probably know nobody hereI can’t help but think I’d like to hang with them And chat with them about life over a beerBut instead, they get up and keep on walkingWhen they realize I knew a little bit about their faithS they continued wandering up to every other single person in the park To get rejected time and time again This was the soundtrack that I played:Mormon ladies walking up to me while I play the guitarMormon ladies just trying to save me on a sunny day in Girouard ParkOoh bap bap

14.

Shame, nothing good from shameShame will let the devil know your nameShame in the morning shame in the eveningShame spilling out your pores completely Shame when you wake up, shame when you’re sleepingWith shame that you sow, its shame that you’re reapingShame, nothing good from shameShame will let the devil know your nameShame when you’re lonely, shame when you’re phony Shame when you’re with your one and only Shame when you spittle, shame when you diddleShame when you even laugh a little Shame, shame, nothing good from shameShame will let the devil know your nameya ya yaFather, when do you feel shame?(Pathetic diatribe about Helen and the kids in Montana)Shame in the shortbread, shame in the showerShame makes the sweetest kiss turn sourShame from below and shame from up aboveShame for everything that you loveShame in the mirror, shame on the mattressShame taped up in the box in the atticShame in your brain, there’s shame in your heartShame shame shame at the core of who you areThere’s shameNothing good comes from shameShame will let the devil know your name

15.

I know that it’s corny to sayBut the only thing I need in my life is youI know I can be cheesy sometimesBut when I’m ‘round you, I’m like a damn fondueAnd if someone shook me down, I’d only prayThat my love for you weren’t in my wallet, all tucked awayIf the tide broke me down like a boulder, I’d only prayTo be the sand between your little toes somedayWhen I asked you to be my girlfriendYou said yes without hesitationAs if you were waiting for weeks for me to ask itYou just yearned for the confirmationWhen I asked you to run away with meYou said it would be your obligationAlthough you had plans with other friendsAnd we didn’t know yet the destinationAnd if lightning strike me down, I’d only prayThat your picture be the last damn thing I see that dayIf Hell freeze over like Canada, I’d only prayThat wherever they send me be half as warm as your embraceMy friend is getting married todayJust him, the bride, the minister and witnessesI guess their love remains Without acknowledgement from anyone elseI know that it’s silly to sayBut I realized while on the toiletThat I’d rather spend the rest of my life with youThan with anyone else and spoil itAnd if you somehow felt the same, I’d only prayI would unearth those hidden parts of yourself, oh-so-tucked awayAt the excavation site of our love, I’d only prayThat if I dug a hole to China, you’d meet me halfwayAnd if wedding bells rang one day, I’d only prayThat no ice sculptures, sweet velourInvitation cards, gold or laceCover bands or cheese fondueCould ever take my place‘Cause I know that when it comes to meCould only pray that when it comes to youThat you exactly here and nowIs enough to make my wildest dreams come true

16.

"Time, it runs like a river," The old white guy said to me At the summer camp I worked at when I was fifteen Inside of a big teepeeLittle did I know I'd revisit That place many times in dreamsAnd run through those forests in the following yearsThe same markings on the same treesI'm growing older than the singers who sung my favourite songsI'm getting older than my dad was when he married my momI'm mulling through my high school photos like a mirror to findI can hardly recognize the person staring back in my eyesOh no, not IAnd surely enough, that riverWill one day meet its shoreIn the fields and glades of memories madeFrom the places I've been beforeThere is a setting sun thereReflecting upon its seaRefracting its light, so lustrous and brightTo radiate now through my dreamsI started losing all the people who I've known my whole lifeAs now I'm winding down this river like a snake through my mindShedding all my old experiences, places and friendsUntil I realize it's only me waiting there at the endOh no, not II once saw a starDrifting by my bedroom windowI'd stay up all nightI can't remember what I wished forI can't remember the last time I went for a walkOr really thought about my lifeI can't recall the last dream I hadOr the last time I sang a songAre you awake? You were surely dreamingYou were kicking and squirming and wriggling while you sleptIt's time to sail - the river's waitingSunrise looms and soon may meet our steadIt's all aboard and man your stationsAbove, the Ganges sings a pink and orange songAnd in its notes, you say you found GodI ain't no believer but sure can't believe you're wrongThen came the sunIlluminating my reflectionThough my eyes were wearyThey took new life in the riverI started finding all the corners hiding joy in my lifeI started recognizing kindness as a boon, not a strifeAnd though the trash stunk up the river, I still sunk my feet inAnd though I don't believe in God, I found some glory withinOh, IMy father took me far from townPast the pines, to the water's edgeI hopped into our vessel with not a stress, with not a precedentThe rapids shook us mighty, but I held on tightlyAnd still peered into the beckBut tightly wasn't enough, it just took one bumpTo rear me off the deckLungs inspiring water, my glimpses falteredOf the boat aheadMy arms bloodies and scrapped from my harsh napUpon the river's bedMy father tossed a rope but I couldn't copeI heard a waterfall through the noiseI said I couldn't make itAnd he yelled back, "Son, son, you don't have a choice!"So though my arms were weighed down, soaked, unwieldlyI felt a rush of adrenalineAnd though I raged against the tideI felt much more my rage withinWe cannot change the course of some trainsThey simply go where they are boundBut not a soul can tell you, you can't hold on hopeTo turn it all aroundThough the lifejacket made it harder to swimI had a fear of death in meThe sort of fear that don't care about odds or reasonsOr what is possible to achieveI raged and fought, beratedWrought and sated with the scars of timeAnd mercy interlope, I got that ropeAnd came out on the other sideAnd if they ask me, "Child, where did you come from?"And if they ask me, "Child, why are your hands numb?"In the river I have swumAnd if they ask me child, "Where have you begun?Do you feel anguished that it cannot be undone?"In the river I have swumThough we can mourn the riverAnd the paths we didn't takeTo the herons and cattails with no knowledge of timeWe all end up in the same place

17.

Yella Habibi(Praise be to Allah)

18.

I believe that people are good in this worldI believe the sun shines bright off the dew even forThe darkest living soulWhen I was thirteen I used to walk home with a boyHe’d talk about how life takes all things good and destroys them to bitsAll the kids including me joked he’d be a school shooterAt fourteen he left our school and we never heard from him againEven so I was captivated by himEven so his words, they got to me Around that same time, I started dealing with my own depressionI couldn’t comprehend why God would make me feel the way I feltCould I be the darkest living soul?And as I grew up the ugliness intensifiedThe magic oak I cultivated grew tragically dark inside As if to reflect the way it believed itself to beAs if to reflect the darkness I saw in humanityI saw all the ugliness in myself It all felt so inhumanWhat twisted artist would hang me in the Louvre?What awful sculptor would convince the world the urinal I was held value?So I saw it as part of my life’s mission to giveI’d give all of my happiness for I was not deserving of itNo, not for the darkest living soulNo, not for the darkest living soulThere’s a young boy this year in my class whose fatherGot shot and killed by the cops when he was only fourOn the playground now the boy plays police with the other kidsHe tells them they’re arrested hits them to the ground and kicks themHe misbehaves, he yells at others and screamsI sometimes look into his eyes and this strange question occurs to meHow could a seedling sprout with so little light?How could some seedlings sprout without water?How could a seedling be forced to sprout without air?How could a seedling be destined to sprout without love?Could this be the darkest living soul?I won’t let him be the darkest living soulNo, I believe that people are good in this world

Released on Sept 5, 2024 - 31 years old today.

Additional help received from many very good people like
The brazilliant JAR who mastered the project it and is featured on tracks 11 and 13;
The gloryific Mark Reynolds priesting it up on like half of the tracks;
The babedelic Alice Gendron singing like a psychedelic angel on track 16 (And did the album art!);
The artistalicious Eri Fish singing on tracks 2 and 16 and dueting on track 9;
The bodiddlydiddlest Julian Arsenault musically preaching all over track 10;
the kiddylicious Mr. Rogers and his music producers for writing track 9
To Allah for being the one true Lord and for being patient and forgiving;
To the devil perhaps;

Track Listing:
0:00 Indigenesis
6:45 Couldn't Let it Die
9:32 My Father's Truth
15:46 Kid Nation
22:08 This Isn't Love, This is Rebellion
26:55 Business Trip
29:13 Heaven
32:06 Heaven 2.0
36:55 Sometimes I Wonder if I'm a Mistake (Mr. Rogers Cover)
40:11 Flushed Out
43:54 The Cottage
48:16 If I Were Me
52:02 Mormon Ladies
54:39 Shame
57:00 Cheese Fondue
1:00:57 Downriver
1:10:30 Krafedeme
1:18:19 Wailing to Heaven on High

Couldn’t Let it Die

We’re going back, back to the beginning

My parents taught me how to love
Even though they couldn’t love each other
My twin who didn’t make it from the womb
Taught me how to become a better brother
My mother taught me to read
My teachers taught me to spell
A lack of God taught me believing in myself

But Dr. Seuss, he taught me to dream
I traded any chance of picket fences for a couple of beans
I was done before I knew
What this flower inside me was which grew
I tended it of the weeds
As that flower grew to mazes filled with childhood fantasies

And I
Couldn’t let it die, I couldn’t let it
Couldn’t let it die or I’d regret it

I’d scribble on the napkins at the restaurant
Before I got a guitar, I wrote fifty songs
Imagined being up on stage, spewing out my thoughts
And hearing someone else out there sing along
But I felt the world’s awful shade
I realized I was a weed
People may say I had a choice to make
But there was never a choice to me

I couldn’t let it die, I couldn’t let it
I couldn’t let it die or I’d regret it

We’re going back, back to the beginning

So now I grow
Into what? Only God would know

My Father’s Truth

From the crowd a deafening silence roared
Defenestrating God from the house of the Lord
All for a boy of just twelve onstage
Out of tune, out of rhyme
In his first time deciding to play
Chim-chimney on Christmas Day

The church had a book room that smelt like a coffin
And I’d hardly call their refreshments ‘poppin’
But there was something cool in being there
Surrounded by neighbours lost or losing all of their hair
But still holding tight to something true

It was the hymns you know that spoke to me
More than the godliness of them
The old smell of parchment made more sense
Than the words it held within
And oh the bells, the bells, those laughing bells
They shook me in my pew
Not for God’s words but for my father’s truth

Half the years I’ve spent now is all
Those angels gave me until they called
I was standing high upon the roof
When she took my hand and whispered,
“Forward, child, towards your muse
You best not fall blessed by your father’s truth”

Half the years I’ve taken’s all I had
When I finally had the talk with Dad
He told me he was an atheist
When it came to God, he could take or leave the lot of it
I wrestled with my father’s truth

It was the hymns you know that spoke to me
More than the godliness of them
The old smell of parchment made more sense
Than the words it held within
And oh the bells, the bells, those thrashing bells
They shook me in my pew
Not for God’s words but for my father’s truth

I couldn’t fathom how a man could fake conviction
I couldn’t fathom how a man could mouth the words
To books he never read, to stories never learned
Little did I know one day that’s all I’d do
Little did I know that’s what we all do
Baptized before I could consent
I was bathed into the river
I was saved before I had done any wrong
It was a silence that roared when I finally listened for God

I’d dress up in my Sunday worst
My wrinkled American Eagle shirt
Walk my way to service on my own
And I’d listen real hard cause they refused to use a microphone
Searching every word for what was true

It was the hymns you know that spoke to me
More than the godliness of them
The old smell of parchment made more sense
Than the words it held within
And oh the bells, the bells, those yearning bells
They shook me in my pew
Not for God’s words but for my father’s truth

Kid Nation
For as long as could be remembered, life was peaceful in the garden. The residents, who called themselves the Sowers, were a feisty band of 6–7-year-olds. They did 6- to 7-year-old things day after day. They played tag they said jinx and cooties and they just sort of fooled around all the time, as kids do. They argued sure, but never growing up they never really worried. They drank and bathed in the river and even sometimes stood on a huge cliff overlooking the river, and the vast and expansive desert beyond, a desert they dare not go.

They had explored each and every little cranny of the garden, except one; a dark grove, covered in vines. They speculated at what secrets lay there, but they never entered. They figured tigers or monsters or even hybrid dinosaurs could live there. They usually didn’t even play near there. Well usually, but one day some of them were playing ball, and as playing ball goes, the ball just so happed to roll down the leafy and mossy steps into the grove. In most cases the ball would be forgotten, but the one boy who was destined to catch that ball was also destined to be the most curious and explorative and imaginative of all the Sower kids. He peeled back the vines and crept into the grove late at night when the other kids were sleeping soundly.
And Alas, there were no tigers or dinosaur hybrids but only a big, towering tree, the most massive tree the boy had ever seen. And hanging from that tree, just low enough to beckon the boy was a succulent apple. But it wasn’t just any apple. The boy didn’t have the proper words to describe it, but we would know it today to be a candy apple. Glazed in fudge and caramel, only then to be completely covered with sprinkles and different coloured marshmallows. It was the most gorgeous thing he’d seen in his long life as a forever child.
His eyes were transfixed upon the fruit, and he had this weird feeling he’d never felt before inside him. I’ve had that feeling before the first time I listened to the band Slipknot. I had heard they were evil demon music, but for some reason deep down I couldn’t deny I liked it. I was reeled in by the only thing I could describe as the devil at the time. Well anyways back to the boy - his fingers took on a life of their own as they ascended to pick the apple from this bizarre tree, which bore no other fruit. With the self-control of a hungry child, he gobbled that bastard up. And when he was done gobbling, it was so tasty he even devoured the core, in one bite. And the next day he returned to the tree, but this time with his friends. This time there were three fruits hanging again, all perfectly within reach. They plucked them up and devoured them in seconds. The following day there were nine apples.
Now you would think all the kids would be into eating dessert 24/7, but there was a small faction of the Sowers who were wary of the tree. They grew warier still when they noticed that the children who started eating the apples began growing taller. Not just that though, some of their voices deepened, and all of them started growing hair from all kinds of strange places. For the first time since the beginning of time, this created a rift in the garden between the children who would eat the fruit every day and the ones who refused. With time two tribes formed. There were the Forever Youngs who refused to eat the apples and continued to live out their blissful lives as sowers of the garden.
And the other group called themselves the reapers and became very strange and distinct. They began building great structures, which they would soon replace with greater structures. they invented gods and rituals to go with them, with laws and rules they could never follow. They began fashioning clothes from the garden which they now excavated, and they even put their private parts inside of each other and sloppily mashed their faces together and then their bellies grew and more of them were born and over time they needed more and more of the garden for themselves. The Forever Youngs saw what was happening and panicked and on one fateful night they approached that tree with fire and attempted to burn it down to the ground. But the tree was well guarded. It was being worshipped, you see, and soon the Reapers descended upon the area and surrounded the Forever Youngs.
They had bulging muscles and spears and the Forever Youngs didn’t stand a chance. They ended up back to the ravine with the raging river below. The river that led far away out of the garden into the lonely desert. The 6-year-olds rushed the adults but it was no use. Then a wave of the most jacked seven-year-olds followed but the adults were like super humans- they went bajoom and with quick swings caved their heads in and launched them into the air going ahhhhhhhhh It took only a moment for the small group of babes to be tossed into the river, screaming and crying those horrible awful screams of forever loss.
The reapers laughed their way back to their camp and thought themselves big and strong and wise. But little did they realize with time that they had ingested a curse, as years down the line they felt their bodies go frail, wither and one day lay down to die. It was not God that banished man from the garden, but it was man itself, with dreams of once again finding that eternal childhood they had jettisoned into the river. They followed the river down down into the unknown. They followed it down down...
This Isn’t Love, This is Rebellion

God gave Adam everything
The pearly winters the early spring
The fruit the sparkled in the morning dew
But still Adam felt cruddy in his sterling grove
So God asked, “Buddy why so low?
Don’t you know child, thou art blessed with eternal life?
Be grateful to your Daddy in heaven on high
With every need fulfilled, why do you cry?”

“Well, I’d hate to defy but,
I want love
Let it do me in”

And I heard there was an unholy tritone
That David played from upon his throne
But God didn’t really care for music
That wasn’t praising him

Old good boy David just couldn’t resist
To play the devils tune, it just spoke to him
But God ain’t into polyamory on the receiving end

When God rolled over in post-coital bliss
His poor lover David wept a song of sin
And it went like this, it went

“I want love
Let it do me in”

Be careful of the words you say
Be careful every step you take
When the pimp leaves the stash with one of his loves
Can you blame them for shooting up?
Euphoria, euphoria, a dirge so loud
It’s still playing in your head
as you come back down

I want love
Let it do me in
Now that I’m deep enough to swim
I ain’t scared now of anything

Business Trip
I can’t stand this life I lead
I don’t wanna talk about it
long days short nights
Gosh I can’t afford a weekend

squishing pennies in my fingers
Hope they might turn to dollars
Something bout this life I lead
Has got me fantasizing bout a business trip

Splurge all of my money on a business trip
A business trip, a business trip
Lose all of your luggage on a business trip

I can’t stand this life I lead
I don’t wanna talk about it
Garbage workers on my block
Crushing garbage get me jealous

Begging boss for overtime
I’m biking by expensive houses
This one looks just like a castle
This one looks just like my family’s

If I saved for half my life
I couldn’t hardly buy the lawn
I don’t wanna live in squalor
Better beg the bossman for that business trip

Get his tax deducted on my business trip
Get myself abducted on a business trip

I can’t stand this life I lead
I don’t wanna talk about it
Long hours short fuse
I can’t stand the pitter patter

I spent 15 years in school
And I still can’t afford MacDonald’s
Every second on the clock
I pray to different gods for a..

To Frederickton or Minnesota
Or to Bagotville or Oklahoma...
Or Dorval, Ile-Bizard or Laval
I don’t need me a plane
Just send me away to..

Heaven

Heaven
Heaven is love to me
Heaven, oh Heaven

Loneliness is Hell to me
But Heaven, oh Heaven

This life I leave
True happiness,
If I were to touch it,
Would it be such a sin?
If I were to truly touch it
But I could never touch it
It would be too much of a sin
But Heaven

Heaven 2.0

I don’t know just what I’m doing here
In this room I find myself in
People are talk talk talking all around me
I breathe out and I breathe in

I don’t know what life possessed me
I don’t know what I was before
Was I from the depths of the lonesome core of this wretched Earth
Or from up in the sky up in the sky..

I don’t know which way it is
To the promised promised land
All these angels are all tempting me
And offering me their hands

I don’t know what to say now
Now that I lost my words in the back of my throat
I guess I’ll live in silence now to keep the peace
One day, one day I’ll be up in the sky
I’ll be up in the sky

Surely there’s a great place
Where apples fall from the tree into an awaiting hand
Where the soft smell of sweetness fills me with completeness
Where the water pools at my feet
I feel it I feel it
Where the breeze blows spring through my hair
Where the sun shines without a care
Where I feel love completely
And it overflows out from me
I feel a light inside me
Burning so brightly
This light inside me helps me know I’m not yearning
A realization comes up churning

One day I’ll feel love for myself
I know this to be true

Sometimes I Wonder if I’m a Mistake

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a mistake
I'm not like anyone else I know
When I'm asleep or even awake
I get to dreaming that I'm just a fake
I'm not like anyone else
I know I’m not like anyone else

Others I know are big and quite wild
I'm very small and quite tame
Most of the time I'm weak and I'm mild
Do you suppose that's a shame?

Often I wonder if I'm a mistake
I'm not supposed to be scared, am I?
Sometimes I cry and sometimes I shake
Isn't it true that the strong never break?
I'm not like anyone else I know
I'm not like anyone else

I think you are just fine as you are
I really must tell you
I do like the person that you are becoming
When you are sleeping
When you are waking
You are my friend
It's really true
I like you
Crying or shaking or dreaming or breaking
There's no one mistaking it
You're my best friend

I think you are just fine as you are
I really must tell you
I do like the person that you are becoming
When you are sleeping
When you are waking
You're not a fake
You're no mistake
You are my friend

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a mistake
I'm not like anyone else I know
When I'm asleep or even awake
I get to dreaming that I'm just a fake
I'm not like anyone else
I know I’m not like anyone else

Flushed Out

Chim chimney
Chim chim cheroo

Something ‘bout this indigestion
Stewing around in my gut
All of life’s important questions
Prarie dog in out of my butt

I tried to keep in all my worries
To carry around wherever I went
But in the stall I felt their fury
Down that old bowl all of it went

Flushing it down to the river
Flushing my troubles away

And in walked the priest
I could tell by his boots
I hope he ain’t mad from the sound of my toots
He said “Hey there Sony, today you’ve been cleansed
Like John did to Jesus, your worries have fled”

Flushing it all down the river
Flushing my troubles away

The Cottage

At The cottage

The first time I ever kissed an animal
Was at the cottage with my dad
My mom was in the sidelines gasping in horror
Until she screamed when the frog jumped at her from out of my hand

The first time I ever lit something on fire
Or jumped headfirst into a murky lake
Or picked berries or caught crayfish
Or canoed or tried to speak French
My first times enjoying nature was back then

They say, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”
The me that’s here today would all but be for naught
Sometimes when I’m in the city it feels like I’ve forgot about the cottage
About the cottage

The first time I ever listened to a record
It was Elton John’s greatest hits
My parents weren’t much into music, but the cottage family were, yes
I’d dance around to Crocodile Rock and Benny and the Jets

The only time ever I saw a ghost
Was at the cottage one spooky night
A strange figure floated towards me from the window
I pinched myself but I couldn’t wake up
So I held my sisters tight

They say, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”
The me that’s here today would all but be for naught
Sometimes when I’m in the city it feels like I’ve forgot about the cottage
About the cottage

So, let’s go back down
Let’s take a swim
Blow a dandelion into the wind
Let’s lose ourselves in who we were back then
At the cottage

Where life began
At the cottage

If I Were Me

If I were a cat, would you give me a belly rub
Or turn on the shower while I was in the tub?
If I were a chicken, would you let me keep my eggs
Or turn them to omelets? Please don’t make me beg

If I were a spider, would you release me in the garden
Or walk through my web without saying, “Pardon?”
If I were a mosquito, would let me suck your blood
Or kill me on site with your sisters Ugg?

And if I were me
Would you treat me like the me
Inside me that you see?

If I were a horse, would you ride me round the pasture
Or turn me to glue when I can’t go no faster?
If I were flower, would you pick me on sight
Or blow at my seeds so they can take flight?

If I were a steak knife, would you use me for steak
Or to spread on your toast your veggie pate?
If I were a canoe, would you take me down the stream
Or sink me to the bottom where you can’t hear me scream?

And if I were me
Would you treat me like the me
Inside me that you seek?

Because there are people and places and rocks and things
And Mother Nature and the good she brings
And if we ourselves want to be found
We gotta take a big look at this world around

We can all feel lost or feel misused
Or feel like no one sees the real you
But if all these feelings are all we see
How can we reach the truth beneath

A big old oak or a raging river
With everything we must consider
How much of it is our projection
Or things inside that were expecting

Well, the toad asks, “If I were me?”
And the guitar asks, “If I were me?”
Would you treat me like the me inside me that you seek?
Would you treat me like the me I truly feel to be?

If I were a tree, would you grow up to the air
Or cut off my limbs and turn them into chairs?

Mormon Ladies

Oohh bap bap
Mormon ladies coming up to me while I play the guitar
Mormon ladies trying to save on a sunny day in Girouard park

They say they’re not trying to convert me
They say they just like my music
But then they ask me for my Facebook
And introduce me to their friend named Jesus

Mormon ladies looking bout eighteen they tell me that they got the answer
With youthful eyes and genuine smiles hidden under practiced banter

They tell me that they’re from Utah
I can’t help but thing they probably know nobody here
I can’t help but think I’d like to hang with them
And chat with them about life over a beer
But instead, they get up and keep on walking
When they realize I knew a little bit about their faith
S they continued wandering up to every other single person in the park
To get rejected time and time again
This was the sound track that I played

I sang,
Mormon ladies walking up to me while I play the guitar
Mormon ladies just trying to save me on a sunny day in Girouard Park
Ooh bap bap

Shame
Shame, shame, nothing good from shame
Shame will let the devil know your name

Shame in the morning shame in the evening
Shame spilling out your pores completely
Shame when you wake up, shame when you’re sleeping
With shame that you sow, its shame that you’re reaping

Shame, shame, nothing good from shame
Shame will let the devil know your name

Shame when you’re lonely, shame when you’re phony
Shame when you’re with your one and only
Shame when you spittle, shame when you diddle
Shame when you even laugh a little

Shame, shame, nothing good from shame
Shame will let the devil know your name

ya ya ya
Father, when do you feel shame:
(Pathetic diatribe about Helen and the kids in Montana)

Shame in the shortbread, shame in the shower
Shame makes the sweetest kiss turn sour
Shame from below and shame from up above
Shame for everything that you love

Shame in the mirror, shame on the mattress
Shame taped up in the box in the attic
Shame in your brain, there’s shame in your heart
Shame shame shame at the core of who you are

There’s shame
Nothing good comes from shame
Shame will let the devil know your name

Cheese Fondue

I know that it’s corny to say
But the only thing I need in my life is you
I know I can be cheesy sometimes
But when I’m ‘round you, I’m like a damn fondue

And if someone shook me down, I’d only pray
That my love for you weren’t in my wallet, all tucked away
If the tide broke me down like a boulder, I’d only pray
To be the sand between your little toes someday

When I asked you to be my girlfriend
You said yes without hesitation
As if you were waiting for weeks for me to ask it
You just yearned for the confirmation
When I asked you to run away with me
You said it would be your obligation
Although you had plans with other friends
And we didn’t know yet the destination

And if lightning strike me down, I’d only pray
That your picture be the last damn thing I see that day
If Hell freeze over like Canada, I’d only pray
That wherever they send me be half as warm as your embrace

My friend is getting married today
Just him, the bride, the minister and witnesses
I guess their love remains
Without acknowledgement from anyone else
I know that it’s silly to say
But I realized while on the toilet
That I’d rather spend the rest of my life with you
Than with anyone else and spoil it

And if you somehow felt the same, I’d only pray
I could unearth those hidden parts of yourself, oh-so-tucked away
At the excavation site of our love, I’d only pray
That if I dug a hole to China, you’d meet me halfway

And if wedding bells rang one day, I’d only pray
That no sculptures or sweet velour
Invitation cards, gold or lace
Cover bands or cheese fondue
Could ever take my place

‘Cause I know that when it comes to me
Could only pray that when it comes to you
The you exactly here and now
Is enough to make my wildest dreams come true

Downriver

"Time, it runs like a river,"
The old white guy said to me
At the summer camp I worked at when I was fifteen
Inside of a big teepee

Little did I know I'd revisit
That place many times in dreams
And run through those forests in the following years
The same markings on the same trees

I'm growing older than the singers who sung my favourite songs
I'm getting older than my dad was when he married my mom
I'm mulling through my high school photos like a mirror to find
I can hardly recognize the person staring back in my eyes
Oh no, not I

And surely enough, that river
Will one day meet its shore
In the fields and glades of memories made
From the places I've been before

There is a setting sun there
Reflecting upon its sea
Refracting its light, so lustrous and bright
To radiate now through my dreams

I started losing all the people who I've known my whole life
As now I'm winding down this river like a snake through my mind
Shedding all my old experiences, places and friends
Until I realize it's only me waiting there at the end
Oh no, not I

I once saw a star
Zipping by my bedroom window
I'd stay up all night
I can't remember what I wished for

I can't remember the last time I went for a walk
Or really thought about my life
I can't recall the last dream I had
Or the last time I sang a song

Are you awake? You were surely dreaming
You were kicking and squirming and wriggling while you slept
It's time to sail - the river's waiting
Sunrise looms and soon may meet our stead

It's all aboard and man your stations
Above, the Ganges sings a pink and orange song
And in its notes, you say you found God
I ain't no believer but sure can't believe you're wrong

Then came the sun
Illuminating my reflection
Though my eyes were weary
They took new life in the river

I started finding all the corners hiding joy in my life
I started recognizing kindness as a boon, not a strife
And though the trash stunk up the river, I still sunk my feet in
And though I don't believe in God, I found some glory within
Oh, I

My father took my down to the edge of town
Past the pines, to the water's edge
I hopped into our vessel with not a stress, with not a precedent
The rapids shook us mighty, but I held on tightly
And still peered into the beck
But tightly wasn't enough, it just took one bump
To rear me off the deck

Lungs inspiring water, my glimpses faltered
Of the boat ahead
My arms bloodies and scrapped from my harsh nap
Upon the river's bed
My father tossed a rope but I couldn't cope
I heard a waterfall through the noise
I said I couldn't make it
And he yelled back, "Son, son, you don't have a choice!"

So though my arms were weighed down, soaked, unwieldly
I felt a rush of adrenaline
And though I raged against the tide
I felt much more my rage within
We cannot change the course of some trains
They simply go where they are bound
But not a soul can tell you, you can't hold on hope
To turn it all around

Though the lifejacket made it harder to swim
I had a fear of death in me
The sort of fear that don't care about odds or reasons
Or what is possible to achieve
I raged and fought, berated
Wrought and sated with the scars of time
And mercy interlope, I got that rope
And came out on the other side

And if you ask me, "Child, where did you come from?"
And if you ask me, "Child, why are your hands numb?"
In the river I have swum

And if you ask me child, "Where have you begun?
Do you feel anguished that it cannot be undone?"
In the river I have swum

Though we can mourn the river
And the paths we didn't take
To the herons and cattails with no knowledge of time
We all end up in the same place

Kraftedeme

Yella Habibi
(Praise be to Allah)

Wailing to Heaven on High

I believe that people are good in this world
I believe the sun shines bright off the dew even for
The darkest living soul

When I was thirteen I used to walk home with a boy
He’d talk about how life takes all things good and destroys them to bits
All the kids including me joked he’d be a school shooter
At fourteen he left our school and we never heard from him again
Even so I was captivated by him
Even so his words, they got to me

Around that same time, I started dealing with my own depression
I couldn’t understand why God would make me feel the way I felt
Could I be the darkest living soul?

And as I grew up the ugliness intensified
The magic oak I cultivated grew tragically dark and disturbed inside
As if to reflect the way it believed itself to be
As if to reflect the darkness I saw in humanity

I saw all the ugliness in myself
It all felt so inhuman
What twisted artist would hang me in the Louvre?
What awful sculptor would convince the world the urinal I was held value?

So I saw it as part of my life’s mission to give
I’d give all of my happiness for I was not deserving of it
No, not for the darkest living soul
No, not for the darkest living soul

There’s a young boy this year in my class whose father
Got shot and killed by the cops when he was only four
On the playground now the boy plays police with the other kids
He tells them they’re arrested hits them to the ground and kicks them
He misbehaves, he yells at others and screams
I sometimes look into his eyes and this strange question occurs to me

How could a seedling sprout with so little light?
How could some seedlings sprout without water?
How could a seedling be forced to sprout without air?
How could a seedling be destined to sprout without love?
Could this be the darkest living soul?
Could he really be the darkest living soul?
Could he grow up to be the darkest living soul?

I won’t let him be the darkest living soul

No, I believe that people are good in this world